True Life: I am a Recovering Undercover Over Lover

And I will lie for you…die for you…pop for you…break for you…hate for you and I’ll hate you too if you want me too….crochet for you do what you want me to…guess I am a fool for you….-Erykah Badu

Yep.  Those lyrics above describe me perfectly.  I am in rehab for man chasing and just being plain thirsty.  One of the things I have experienced over the last four years is a reprogramming on how I approach relationships.  I am super guilty of giving way too much too soon; being in these awesome relationships….but by myself.   I had absolutely NO STANDARDS and it took nothing for me to fall in love.  I have loved almost every man that has been in my presence.  I kid you not.

I became a super thirsty man chaser  because I had experienced a lot of  rejection and hurt.   I wanted a man to love me and give me what I didn’t receive as a kid: love from a father.  Daddy issues are real and I have them.

Because of rejection and subsequent self hatred, I had no confidence.  NONE. NADA. ZILTCH. Insecure was an understatement.    Couple that with being opposite sex attention deficient, when a man approached me I soaked it up because a part of me believed I couldn’t attract anyone else.   As a result,  I let men play with me.  I gave men everything only to be second fiddle.  Painful much? Yes.  Quite.

A part of my reprogramming  was learning to smell the stench of self hatred that engulfed me.  I had some things that I truly did like about myself, but overall I wanted to be someone else.  I felt that my life was too hard; I had been through too much and because of my past pain I was damaged goods.  Years of rejection took its toll.

In 2009 I had a bad breakup and subsequent breakdown.  I was suicidal; didn’t eat for a month.  At that point, I just had it.  Everything that emotionally hurt-both past and present came to a proverbial head and popped.  I was over life.  But little did I know, God was behind the scenes leading my rebuilding phase.

Fast forward to December 2012:  How things can change but not change.  I felt better about where my life was going, but I still battled confidence issues.  A good friend of mine pulled my card and asked me did i think I was beautiful.  I had an answer but wasn’t ready to own it.  That answer, although my life was progressing was still a resounding NO.  It was hard to admit how I REALLY felt about me. Although it was hard; it was necessary.  I had no clue what beautiful was or what it meant.  I had to learn that.    It is cliche but true: self worth is necessary.       One thing I hate is when people spew this, but can’t give you any instructions on how to gain it.    The way you can gain self worth is by being honest about how you feel about yourself and asking God to send you some vessels who can be your mirror so you can see yourself differently.   God literally sent me people who gave me what I needed emotionally.   Obtaining self worth is a crucial part of God reprogramming me.

In January 2013,  God’s reprogramming was really beginning to manifest itself.   It hit me like a ton of bricks when I tweeted these words: “take your baddest chicks and line them up, and I can tell you why they are not me.”   I wasn’t just blowing hot air.  I meant that.   At that moment I realized that my beauty doesn’t come in aesthetics.  I am beautiful because everything that I am.  I have a total package.   I am the sum total of my experience.  I am me and no one else.

Everyday, I get a little confidence back.   Everyday I learn to  like who I am.  I now appreciate who God has made me.  I am learning to let men chase me instead of me putting out emotionally just hoping for some crumbs.  I am learning that I am one hell of a woman and a PRIZE worthy to be chosen.   I am not as thirsty as I used to be.    The daddy issues are being dealt with.    Am I 100 percent yet?  No.  Old habits die hard and with this confidence I have to learn how to wear it.   But as long as I stay in the race, I will get there.

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