Dating isn’t a Relationship: How to not end up in a relationship…by yourself Part 2

As stated before this is such an important topic to me.  Women are continually being hurt because they are stuck in a cycle with men and relationships. The cycle looks a little something like this:   Woman meets man. woman likes man.  man does things to show affection and woman gets attached.  Man stops calling. Man has a girlfriend…who isn’t you.  This gets old and can make you bitter.   In the last post I gave a golden rule, but I really didn’t get into specific instructions on how to not get caught up and committing to a man who isn’t committed to you.   Hence, here are some instructions:

1. Recognize the source and stop lying to yourself.  You have to first recognize game.  Part one of the game is the common denominator:  you.   Yes. You.   The first thing I had to do is ask myself what is it that I am doing to keep going through this?  The answer will differ contingent on the woman.  For me, I gave too much way to soon.  I was giving things to men that did not deserve, including my body and my time. In order to recognize the common denominator, you have to be honest with yourself.  If you keep lying and placing the blame on the men that come into your life, you may as well close this post because it isn’t for you.

2.  Check the mirror to see what you are wearing.   Men can see when a woman is thirsty, desperate and just plain hard up, no matter how well dressed and well mannered she is.  Some men who are looking to leech and drain a woman will seek these women out ( I have mentioned this before in previous posts).  If you are wearing the armor of thirst, remove yourself from the dating game and work on removing that.    To remove this armor, you may have to take yourself out of the game and go in a corner.  Armor is hard to get off and it may take you some time.

3.   Learn to recognize the writing on the wall.   What is that man saying?  Communication can be verbal and non verbal.  Here is where you can apply the golden rule.   As stated before, when you are pre-relationship status, listen to what he is SAYING regardless of what he is doing.  If he washes your car, irons your clothes and takes you to dinner, but hasn’t expressed that he wants to be with you, that means he probably isn’t ready or better yet, he isn’t ready to be with YOU.  When you see the writing on the wall, it is up to you to not go down that path-not his.   Remember: men choose and women allow.  If you see that a man isn’t quite ready to be with you, you can communicate that and nip it in the bud.  If he really wants you, he will come and get you.

4.  State your intentions.  When you express your true intentions and what you want out of him,  that gives a man time do make a decision whether or not they can give you what you want relationship wise.

5.  Recognize  that your actions come with consequences.   You may be pre- relationship with a man but you really are into this person.  You may sleep with him; you may still do things that may not be appropriate at this stage.  You are still human, and a sexual being at that. Although you should try to control this, things DO happen.   Don’t beat yourself up, but realize what consequences that may bring, including confusion contingent on what your intentions are.   In my profession, I am trained to anticipate what someone else thinks.  In this case, a man may just think, “all I have to do to get what I want is XYZ..and I will have her.”  Guess what:  that is true! But what you should do is to recognize if he is being sincere in  wanting to be with you versus just trying to get something from you and then discarding you.  Here, compartmentalization is key. If you dabble, you can still keep your standard.  Just because you may let a man sniff doesn’t mean you were not sincere about what you want.    Keep everything in perspective until he chooses you.  If you are post relationship status, actually in a relationship and you specifically want to be married have a timeline.  It doesn’t take all day to recognize sunshine. DO NOT…and I MEAN DO NOT let a man give you an installment plan called a promise ring.  Those are tricks.  They are to shut you up, not to wife you up.

6.  Do not give unearned labels.  Do not call a man  “your boo” or “your boyfriend”  if  that has not been established.   That is a big time no-no.  If you do that it is a clear indicator that you may be getting caught up in something that does not exist.

7.  Overall, just be honest.   Know where you are, know what you want and compartmentalize accordingly.  Don’t let men play with you.  Don’t play with men.  Be upfront and direct.  If he wants you he will claim you.  You don’t have to do anything but be who you are: flaws and all.

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