It is 1:00 AM in my part of the world. I am floating somewhere on the insomniac spectrum. I also can’t stop crying. My crying is stemming from a murky mix of hormones and traumatic memories. Because of my profession, I have been trained to get to the point therefore I will try to keep the blog post as short as possible. Prior to me getting to the point, it is a reason why I had to open up the laptop and write this tonight versus sometime later today after work. If there is someone out there who benefits from this besides me, this is worth it.
Here goes: Although I have made strides in my emotional life, one thing that I have not yet shaken is my sheer fear of being rejected…..relationship wise. I have no more resilience; I cannot handle being rejected one more time by yet another man that I am attracted to.
Yes, I have my standards. Yes, I am making a concerted effort to keep those standards. I understand what I bring to the table. Yet and still, I am bound by the fear of allowing myself to feel for a man and rolling the dice. The very thought of letting my guard down to either A.) Have someone just cease contact with me because somewhere along the journey they lost interest (this has happened to me before) and/or B.) They choose someone or something over me (this has happened also) is terrifying. I am starting to come to the conclusion I just can’t do it.
The wounds of rejection typically start way before you fall in like and/or in love with a person of the opposite sex. My rejection started with my Dad. Then later in life it was other men that I loved/liked. Sometimes it was other family members. It has affected me greatly.
Rejection is like someone taking a brick and smashing it over your head. That is how damaging it can be. Although I may recognize and work cleaning of the residue it leaves behind, every once in a while I have times like this where the memories and what/if scenarios swim in your head until it’s witchcraft reduces you to tears. Rejection creates a cesspool of anger and sadness that can sit in the depths of your heart for long spans of time.
This feels so heavy all I can do is allow myself to feel it. Let the tears clean away some more residue. Sometimes you have to wash your mental window so you can see clearly again. This reminds me that I still have work to do and choices to make. There is no timeline on healing, and sometimes when I thought I passed that healing class I am reminded that I needed to do continuing education. I am a work in progress, and God has no concept of time.
If you are like me and you have been in the ring with rejection, continue to fight. Continue to heal by any means necessary. Sometimes your healing process may include times where you relive the hurt. You may realize that you trapped up in fear. As Dr. Jazmine Scurlark stated, “you cannot heal what you conceal”. Nights (or days rather) like these may be a way for your to realize that you have a couple more pieces of your puzzle left to put together before you are completely whole. It is not how you get whole, but when you do. You have to heal for the love of YOU and not anyone else. The people that hurt you are living their lives, you it is imperative that you live your life. Living your life just includes a healing process. You will more than make it. You are a conquerer.
Let yourself have this. Just don’t stay here. Keep the journey to a whole you going.