I want to talk about one particular subject: Bandwagons. Yes…bandwagons. Getting on the horse, falling off the horse, only to get back on the horse for another try. Of course, my bandwagon is celibacy…let’s go on and get into this. Y’all ready for some transparency? if so, keep reading,….
If you troll through the archives of this blog, you see that I have addressed this celibacy issue a couple of times. The last time I addressed it, I notified you all that I had failed miserably. As a matter of fact, between September and December 2014, I was getting knocked down on a consistent basis. I commuted for 45 minutes from the Southwest side of Houston to the Northside….all for some Vitamin D.
As we laid in bed after a session, we had a talk about where this was going. The long of the short of it is that it was not going anywhere but he was cool with being friends. Now….I wasn’t so much hurt that this was not going to turn into a relationship as I was upset that I wanted him to at least be into me. Yes…my ego was hurt. I wanted him to be into the LJ; I wanted him to fall for me although I really wasn’t 100 percent interested in a relationship with him (but I would have eventually ended up where I wanted to have a relationship if I kept sleeping with him; I am wired that way….but I digress). I wanted to have that experience where I was the one chased, pursued and coveted. So after I was put on notice where he stood with me, I did the girl thing and cried about it. Yes honey–I put on some Gwen Bunn and actually shed tears! Even with those theatrics, that was not what hit me like a ton a bricks. It was actually a question he asked me during the conversation PRIOR to the shattered ego and subsequent tears. It went something like this:
Dude: “Let me ask you a question–did you mean to wear booty shorts over here?”
Me: “Yeah. I mean I am over here to have sex.”
Dude: “There were times I wanted to take you on a breakfast date, but I could not take you with your coochie out.”
….BOOM. This here seeped in and took residence all in my spirit. Why? Because behind his statement was the message I needed to hear: that your presentation is keeping you from what you really want; what you really deserve. You can be the total package, but if you presented it on the back of a trash can, is someone going to open up the package to see what is inside?
And that was the official beginning of me turning my fears of never having that one great love over to God. I trust God with every area of my life…except that. Although I maintain my faith is on fleek (check out my post on why) I admittedly have a missing piece to surrendering EVERYTHING to Him. Although I have come a long way in my self-esteem and self-worth, I still had some ways to go. When we think we are being slick, God will use our sin to show us where we need to go to get the best that he has for us. To simplify all of this—what I was doing was NOT working. Now it is time to truly try it God’s way. Now…the risk of no sex, no orgasm, no freaky face time/phone sex..no type of attention from a man is worth waiting on God. More than ever, I am ready. A year ago, I was not ready. Six months ago, I was not ready. Now I am.
Is it a struggle? Yes. But I know what God impressed upon my heart that night. I know His way is THE WAY. In the past, I was not willing to do the work to stay on this celibacy journey. Now I am committed to not placing myself in situations which will lead to sex. I am willing to conserve, withhold and let go so God can do what he does best. I am willing to check my emotions and pass these emotional tests when I feel lonely. I am even ready to obtain an accountability partner. In the past that was absolutely out of the question. I am just willing and ready….no matter how long it may take.
As for “Dude”….I really respected him after that. Hence, we are still cool but no longer sleeping together.
I will keep you posted. I promise if I fall of the bandwagon I will say so.
If you are in the same boat as me…stay strong.