One too many times we’ve fallen….got to get up….I’ve had all ’bout I can take of not being loved enough–I want you to love me right right now—Right Now by Gwen Bunn
I did not think I would have an update about this celibacy journey but I do so let’s get into it:
Super Bowl Sunday I made that 45 minute drive to Dude’s house…not for Vitamin D, but to watch the actually watch the Super Bowl. Remember I said we were still cool but no longer sleeping together….Guess what? we did not sleep together. I kept the shop closed and moreover he didn’t try to open the shop. I get brownie points because I didn’t let the flower bloom and let him sniff it right?? NO. This is why:
We cuddled. Well actually I went over to him and got up under him. I initiated that (Just for honesty I had to throw in that detail). After the Seahawks lost, I used that as a moment to get what I wanted: attention from a man. I will admit: laying in his arms and watching the Blacklist after the game ended felt like Heaven. I felt secure; I felt at ease–until it was time for me to go home. In good LJ fashion, I began to cry ( of course I tried to play it off). Why the crying you ask? Because in that moment, I realized a couple of things that quite frankly led to sadness but simultaneously gave me clarity:
1. All I wanted is to experience Love. Not love from a friend/family (I have that), but love from a man.
2. I have been swapping the poon to get an inkling of that feeling pretty much all this time.
3. There are layers to how I got to this point in my life and I keep uncovering such layers.
4. My daddy/family issues may be worse than I thought.
5. I may have feelings for someone who is unavailable again although I tried to circumvent catching such feelings.
6. I can’t just cuddle with a man even with the shop closed. I am still putting myself in a situation to feel hurt.
7. I still have some gaping wounds that need healing.
8. My heart has cracks in it and stems deeper than my perceived daddy issues.
9. You still have work to do to get whole.
This is the thing: Although the cuddling felt great I was setting myself up for the okie doke and I was well aware as I soaked up a pretty lie. Microwave affection just won’t cut it anymore because it is just salt in old wounds. It is self destruction because Dude has been nothing but honest. Getting that love from a man I long for piece meal just doesn’t work anymore. I have to take my grandmother’s advice in this situation: Piss or get up off the pot. Either I am going to go all the way in like the Victor in Christ that I am or I am just going to settle and self destruct. It is totally up to me. I choose me. 99 percent just will not do, but it is up to me do do the work so I am prepared to receive the 100 percent that God has for me.
This is hard. But I am worth fighting for…I have have to fight for myself first.