It is 8:17 am in my part of the world. I have been somewhat absent because life has been emotionally turbulent. However, today I feel peace in my spirit. Actually, today is the second day in the row I felt peace. It is truly a wonderful feeling. The peace I feel doesn’t indicate necessarily everything is okay at this moment; but it does indicate that everything will be okay. You don’t have to wait until God is done settling the storm to feel the benefits of a storm being settled.
I have also been released to give you an update….well continue the update regarding celibacy. I told you a couple of posts ago that I had sex on April 6, 2015 but I did not get into details. Let’s get into some details:
I was on work assignment in Dallas for about three weeks. I stayed with a friend from my hometown. I’ve known this person since I was a child, but I really did not get to know him until about three years ago when we reconnected via social media. We were once on the path towards a relationship, but I ended it because I did not think he was putting in enough effort. We remained friends—-and we remained sexually attracted to each other. (For clarity purposes, this is a different person from the other man that inspired me to become celibate).
I knew no one else in Dallas and I did not have the money to stay in a long term hotel. Although I hadn’t seen him in person in almost five years, he allowed me to stay with him. I took the offer knowing that we would more than likely sleep together. Prior to making that drive, I cried because I didn’t want to stay with him and mess up my vow with God, because I KNOW ME and I would want to have sex. I arrived at his door step at 9:00 PM. My celibacy journey was over within six hours of walking through the door. Is that the end of the story? NO…..
The sex was great. It was the first time since January and it was someone I had wanted to sleep with for years; someone new. He said he enjoyed it as well…..but guess what? We did not sleep together again. You read that correct: A grown, viable man did not want to sleep with a woman that was literally 20 feet from him. I will be very honest–it was a kick to my ego. How could you not want to sleep with me? Were you lying about enjoying it? ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU DON’T WANT TO DISCLOSE??? This experience led me to a revelation—-I still had work to do with discovering my value. My value was directly connected to how well I performed in the bed. I wild out—I was petty at times; walked around in under wear, got up out the bed nude. YES I DID. I used the fact that I had no clean clothes to be naked. He still would not sleep with me. He slept on the couch and let me have his bed. I was utterly confused…and let’s face this: I WAS HURT.
Although I was hurt, the revelation I experienced was needed. We talked about why he would not sleep with me–it wasn’t that he did not want to. It was that he was mature and he saw where having sex every night would lead us—especially since I am super emotional and cannot separate love from sex. I did not like that he was so steadfast, but I left Dallas respecting what he stood for. Moreover, I appreciated that there was a level of care for me and he chose not to use me although I clearly made myself available to be used.
I haven’t had sex since April. I am cautious about saying that I am celibate again because I don’t want to get on that merry-go-round. I am taking it one day at a time. As stated two blogs ago, God has me in a corner focusing on other gifts and talents that really add to my value. THIS IS THE ULTIMATE TAKEAWAY: SOMETIMES GOD ALLOWS YOU TO BE IN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS TO GIVE YOU A MEASURING STICK AND PRUNE YOUR LIFE. That revelation definitely was a measuring stick.
There are more blogs coming that are marginally and directly connected to this one. I apologize this is so long!!!!
Be blessed. 🙂