Dispense: Dispense is a verb that means to do without or forgo.
First: Happy 4th!!! It is super hot in my part of the world! Second: You see that word and definition above? That one word has been the source of my anxiety, pain and hurt for as long as I remember—–Now that God has placed me in a situation in which he is developing and maturing my confidence and self esteem, I am being forced to deal a whole host of things. Now that I know my worth, I am now in the process of being intentional about fixing the root of all of my emotional issues: My fear of being dispensed; the feeling of eventually being thrown away by people that are closest to my heart. To be honest, to even write this blog is painful but it must be done—-so here goes:
So—-I am the person who falls in love rather quickly, which more than not leads to feelings being unequal in the situation I am entertaining. I am a person that lives in her truth and I really not a requirement for people to come in an live my truth with me. In essence, I am okay with feelings being unequal–I can only control me and I don’t believe in using how I feel as a power tool against someone else. The “don’t say it or admit to it” theory doesn’t work for me: if the feelings are there, they are there. Not admitting it makes it worse for me. So I choose not to operate in that manner. As a matter of fact, one of the things that I am learning to do is compartmentalize my feelings. I really never understood how important it is to be able to do so, especially regarding how I deal with my feelings. Compartmentalization is an act of self love; it keeps you from placing yourself in a proverbial waiting room; waiting on the person you are in love with to catch up with you emotionally. It allows you to live your best life—even let go if necessary. Compartmentalization also stops that person you are in love with from invading all of your head space. If the feelings are not equal, that person should not have all of your heads pace.
Because of my past, I have lived my life in a perpetual state of fear waiting for the other shoe to drop when it came to relationships. I have always felt that eventually, no matter how good I was to a person they would “throw me away”. Over the years, I have internalized this notion that no matter what, I am guaranteed to be looked over; second place. I convinced myself that I would never be a priority in someone’s life. This goes way back dealing with familial relationships and it just seeped into adulthood. The fear is so bad that I have sabotaged relationships. I would rather live in my own bubble where I feel safe; where no one can come into my life and hurt me. My mind is always in constant ” I will beat you to the punch” survival mode. It is a major source of stress to the point sometimes I have to pull back and refocus.
I’ve referred to my journey I am on in previous blogs. This journey has been so dope on some many levels. I asked God in 2013 to bring vessels in my life to build my self esteem and confidence. Over the last three years I have grown in leaps and bounds. This journey continues to show me myself, and the more I am shown the more I am determined to operate at the ultimate level of confidence. This fear of being dispensed is the last piece to my emotional puzzle. I will admit–this is the hardest part and I need God to help me with this because this will take a seismic shift in my thinking. I am determined to get to the place where I truly don’t feel disposable. If someone decides to put me down, it is because they did not have the equipment to carry me, not because I am essentially trash. I desire to get to the place that I don’t take rejection so personal. I will be very honest: I don’t know how I will get to this place, but I have already started walking towards it. I have to make it. I am responsible for my own happiness and I am determined to be live out my wholeness in every area of my life.
Once this last piece of the puzzle in place—I will be that cold blooded, ultimately confident woman in every area of my life—and I am so looking forward to it.
I know—-this one is long. I apologize. Be blessed.