I promised I would chronicle the ups and downs of securing happiness despite my relationship status. I think it is important to tell all parts of a journey.
One of the things I learned is that certain feelings are part of the human experience. The trick is to not get caught in that experience but to fight like hell and move through it.
I also learned not to try and win every battle but focus on winning the war.
When you desire for certain things and they seem to not happen for you, it is human to feel an array of feelings, including anger, sadness and resentment. I have been single for almost 10 years. In 10 years I have been on three dates. I desire to be partnered with someone; to have that experience of love and acceptance. I turn 37 in 29 days. Everyone is getting married and having babies (or so it seems). I feel stuck in this area of life.
I am blessed beyond measure. I have everything I need and some of what I want. I am make more money than I ever have in my life. I am grateful, thankful. Yet, I still experience valley moments where I just want to isolate myself from the world because the sadness is so great. I feel pressure. I cry.
Today, I told myself all the right things. I told myself that God knows the beginning from the end. I redirect my thoughts. I went to church.
I still lost the battle today. No matter what tools I used, it did not alleviate the pain I felt.
The difference between who I am now versus who I was two years ago, I refuse to whine about being what it seems like perpetually single. I re-fucking-fuse. Today I lost an emotional battle. But tomorrow is a new day. I will fight for myself. I will continue to use my tools to redirect my thoughts. I will continue to remind myself of what I know about myself; I will continue to remind myself that my journey has purpose. I will continue to battle for my happiness and not get caught in the human experience of grief when you feel like a dream is all but dead. I will do what I need to do to continue the quest of true happiness.
I SHALL WIN.
I am worth the fight. Sometimes I loose. But my happiness is worth getting back up after I have been knocked down. No whining about what I feel. That doesn’t change shit. I just acknowledge what I feel, keep on soldiering. Sometimes I may need to put down my sword and shield. But ai will pick it back up because there is a war to be won. Victory starts and ends with me.