The “Pick Me” Woman Concept, the Trauma Women Inflict on Other Women and the Necessity of Redefinition

This post has been months in the making. Due to work and life, I am now just getting to it.

Timing is everything.

If you are member or visitor of Twitter or any social media platform, you may be familiar with the concept of the “pick me” woman. The definition of a “pick me” woman is a woman who would do anything for the approval of men, even tearing of their women down in the process. According to the operating definition of a “pick me”, these women will do anything for a man: cook, clean, tie his shoe laces and will judge another woman for not doing the same to maintain a relationship.

If you want examples of what is considered the “pick me woman” though process, There is a #tweetlikeapickme hashtag on Twitter that is rather popular (and public). If you don’t have a Twitter just Google that hashtag and the tweets are accessible.

Let me get straight to the point: this whole “pick me” concept is the most divisive bullshit I have EVER encountered. Moreover, the way the “pick me” concept is framed, coupled with the narratives of the proponents of this concept (often called “non-pick me’s”) perpetuate the exact same behavior that they accuse the “pick me’s” of exhibiting. When you read and listen to many of the “pick me” arguments, the arguments reek of judgment. These arguments shame women who believe in traditional gender roles and engaging in traditional ways of maintaining a relationship. Essentially, you are automatically a “pick me” if you believe in fixing a man’s plate, washing a man’s clothes, cleaning and encouraging his significant other. I can’t tell you how many shady tweets I have read and “I can’t stand Pick Me” YouTube videos I watched. All in all, the sentiment is the same: I am superior to a “pick me” because I don’t do all of that because my high self esteem and self worth won’t allow me to. “Pick me” women will do anything for a man and I am so above all of that.

Furthermore, these “anti-pick me” arguments make short sighted assumptions. One assumption is that there is no reciprocity from the opposite sex in general. The angle of these arguments suggest that the woman is doing the most to get the least from a man. Another assumption is the “pick me” has low self esteem. The “pick me” must do all of this to get a man because her self worth is in the gutter. Personally, I always fix a man’s plate if I cook. It has nothing to do with a man. I am a servant with a servant’s heart, and it is organic to me to do so. I guess that would make me a pick me *kanye shrug*.

As amazing as women are, there are things about women that irritate my soul. On the surface, women fight for rights in society and speak about uplifting each other, but at the same time we are in constant competition and war with each other. Women are absolutely VILE to other women. In my opinion, this is one of the reasons why I don’t buy into the feminist movement. Feminism is often undermined by the pain we inflict on each other (this is a different blog altogether). This “pick me” paradigm is just another form of competition and war amongst women; women who are traditional versus women who are not. Instead of respecting differences in movement, women find away to carve out a a space to display superiority over other women. The “non pick me’s” are more self aware, self assured and just better because they don’t gravel for men, if you let them tell it. “Pick me’s” are shitty women who perpetuate patriarchy and thwart the progress of women’s rights. The “Pick Me” vs. “Non Pick me” saga is the two sides of the same shade/shame coin and is reflective of how abusive and judgmental women are toward each other.

Is there a space for the concept of a “Pick Me” woman? It absolutely is. However, the way it is defined is asinine and the definition must be scrapped. The current definition is FATALLY FLAWED.

If you are reading this and asking, “Well what SHOULD be the definition of a Pick Me Woman?”, I have an answer for you.

I am so glad you asked.

A true “Pick Me” woman is a woman who does any and everything to show a man why she should be picked out of all of his options. The man she is lobbying for has several options in which she is fully aware, but she does everything to show him why she is the best option out of all the women in the harem. She MUST sell him on her product. A true “Pick Me” isn’t on social media judging other women that don’t cook and clean for a man. She is too busy tap dancing for a man she knows doesn’t want her, but she wants him to want her. This is different than the social media construct because all of the lobbying is done behind closed doors. This definition also closes the gap between the social media’s version of Pick Me’s versus Non Pick Me’s because it forces women to be honest about what they have done or will do in the name of love. It is easy to hide behind a keyboard and turn on a camera on pontificate about what you will and won’t do. However, what a person does is secret is the true story. Hence, if many of the Non Pick me’s private lives were to be exposed, they just may be a Grade A Pick Me woman in the dark.

The crux of the prose is this: If we are going to engage in this pick me paradigm, let’s define it for what it truly is instead of the current social media fueled definition. Moreover, let’s stop using this concept as a way to continue waging a superiority war and echoing the Hunger Games like competition amongst women.

In life, everyone plays the fool at some time and at someone point, every woman has been a “Pick Me”, whether or not a woman is willing to own her shit.

The End.

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