I turn 39 in November. I have not been in a committed relationship in ten years. I am happier then I have ever been in my life. Life really rocks. Although I am happy now, it was a hellish journey that included some nasty growing pains.
I was the girl who was on top secret mission to become somebody’s something. From the outside looking in, you never would’ve known that being claimed was a priority. I wanted the bragging rights of being at least a girlfriend but with the goal of becoming a wife. I was that girl who spent inordinate amounts of time watching “how to get a man” videos on YouTube. When I wasn’t watching “how to get a man” videos, I was lamenting about being single. There were many a Friday nights where I cried so much that I literally triggered insomnia and took medicines to induce sleep. I was secretly tearing myself apart. My acne was too bad. I weighed too much. Every change I made was under the guise of attracting a partner. Every time I went out in public, I was secretly hoping to meet someone. When I didn’t meet anyone, I often felt disappointed. I felt that having boyfriend was indicative of my beauty. I thought marriage was the ultimate showing of success.
While I was on my hell-bound pursuit of partnership, I also had emotional turmoil that had not been dealt with. I thought that having a man would “soften the blow” of my past trauma. I thought that all of my rejection and abandonment issues would disappear only if I had a boyfriend. The longer I was single, the more I thought something was wrong with me.
Unaddressed trauma compounded with the lack of self esteem surrounding my relationship status made me miserable. My life became a revolving door of depression, anger and resentment. For years, the only day I experienced happiness was on my birthday (and sometimes not even then).
In 2016, I was blessed by a childhood friend coming back into my life after being estranged for twenty years. That person gave me the space to be vulnerable. I remember us having a conversation about relationships and I screamed, “I rather die then never get married!”. They was the beginning of me crying on his shoulder for a year. I was able to address every vile thought I had about myself. I addressed every pinned up feeling and frustration that I collected over the years. The last four years have been a metamorphosis.
The ability to have a safe space to heal allowed me grow to a place where I sought abundance in life. In 2018, I made a conscious decision to be happy regardless of my relationship status. Relationships, especially marriage is not promised in life. What if I die tomorrow??? I wanted to die happy. I no longer perceived my singledom as if it was a curse. I didn’t want to chase relationships anymore. My happiness was no longer predicated on whether or not I was chosen by a man. When I made the decision to be happy regardless whether I was in a relationship and/or eventually got married I stepped into an emotional and psychological freedom I never experienced before. I was able to reprogram my mind. I tore off all the shackles of social conditioning that suggested you really haven’t grown in life until you’re someone’s girlfriend or wife. For the first time, I found purpose in being single. That is how this blog was born.
I want to encourage single women that there is so much more to life than waiting around to be in a relationship. I see so many women in the space where I used to be. Women living miserable lives because they are single. I see single women who think their own lives aren’t as important as their married friends’ lives so they constantly make themselves available only to end up marred by resentment when that married friend doesn’t make themselves available when they need them. I see women being financially abused by people selling the pipe dreams of marriage through useless courting and dating classes. I see women being abused by religious ministries touting that marriage is something you get for Godly behavior, only to never get married.
Freedom in being a single woman means you can make YOUR dreams come true. You can love on your own terms. You can find your purpose. Oftentimes women never take that opportunity for freedom because they spend their entire lives being in this proverbial waiting room, thinking their life cannot begin until that relationship arrives. In the meantime we are neglecting the relationship with ourselves and God. I want women to experience what I experience. My wish is for women to break the chains of social conditioning surrounding what it means to be a woman.
There is nothing wrong with desiring a relationship and/or be married. I still have the desire. However, there is something very wrong with devaluing yourself because you have that unfulfilled desire.
I walked into happiness as a single woman by making the choice to be happy. Please make that choice for yourself. It is so worth it.