The whole reason I resumed blogging is to chronicle being single and happy regardless if marriage is in the cards for me. Although I haven’t written a blog specifically under the Alternate Fairy Tale Series, most of my blogs still follow the same theme. I wanted this blog to specifically fall under the Alternate Fairytale Series because the theme of this blog is important tool to add to the happiness toolbox.
This blog is inspired by a question I asked a male friend of mine. I saw a video on Instagram in which man stated that his dad told him that if you meet a woman who is 32, never been married and have no children, something is wrong with her. So I posed this question to him and asked him what is the percentage of men that thought this way and he said verbatim, “100%”. Confession time: The answer triggered the shit out of me—to the point of tears. My rejection issues were inflamed. How many men miss out on good women just because they thing something is “wrong with them” because of how their life turned out? As much as I didn’t like it, I know it some truth to what my friend said. Is it truly 100 percent of men? Probably not. But is it more than 50 percent? Hell yes. To add insult to injury, it is not just men. There are women that also think similarly. Have you ever noticed when many women talk about being single they make sure to mention that it is by choice and not by force? It is because of the stigma that comes with being single after a certain age…but this is a conversation for another day.
As women (especially if you grew up in a religious household) we are conditioned to believe that our ultimate manifestation as a woman is connected to the man that chooses us. However, the game of love has changed while the social conditioning surrounding love has remained the same. The social timelines of women getting married and having kids by a certain age has survived decades while the quality of men available for marriage has significantly declined. Women no longer have to marry men because they need them financially. We make our own money, have our own car(s) and home(s). Women want to build their legacy. Unlike our mothers and grandmothers, we don’t have to put up with the bullshit they had to because they didn’t have financial freedom. As such, women don’t have to take the first raggedy ass Joe that comes along. But if we choose ourselves over fulfilling some bullshit timeline that may include enduring at least one divorce and one kid under our belts by the time we are 35, then we are essentially damaged goods. Oh ok.
I admittedly went to bed upset after that conversation, but the next day I woke up empowered by my friend’s honesty. If you are at least 35, never been married and have no children, it is time to prioritize becoming your own dream woman over your desire for marriage.
Outside of a desire for marriage, who do you want to be? What changes do you want to see in yourself? What projects do you want to work on? Who do you want to show up in the world as? Make a list of all of the elements you want to see that will mold you into your best self. Focus on these elements instead of focusing on positioning yourself for a man to find and choose you. If someone thinks you are washed because of where you are in life, they have the right to think that. What they think is none of your business. If YOU think that something is wrong with you because you aren’t married, work to deprogram yourself.
As I have stated before, it is nothing wrong with desiring marriage/partnership. However, it is important to navigate life in reality and put the desire in its proper place. Becoming your best self, FOR YOURSELF should be paramount. I definitely think women can walk and chew gum at the same time so it is nothing wrong with entertaining a suitor. If you are actively dating, know your end game. I know men well enough to know that a man may not want to commit to you because he thinks something is “wrong with you” but that doesn’t stop him from noticing good qualities about you and exploiting those through sex and other avenues. Men will show you who they are eventually. Make sure you pay attention so you don’t have a gremlin in your space.
One more thing: If you desire marriage, make sure you shift your faith. Although most men may think something is “wrong” with a single, childless woman of a certain age doesn’t mean that God cannot change that thinking in a man, if that man is for you. Unless you have prayed and you have confirmation from God that you will be married, marriage is not a guarantee. Even if you do have confirmation, if you are still single, you should be building the ultimate YOU first. Everything else is second.