It has been a minute since I had the bandwidth to write. I am almost forty days into my healing process. I have been chronicling my journey under the #finehealedandpaid hashtag on Instagram. If you are interested in some of the journey, my Instagram is connected to this blog. Just click and go. Healing is more than just looking good in the mist of going through something. It is a shitshow of emotions. It is ups and downs; it is actively working through your pain and learning lessons of wisdom along the way. I wanted to chronicle my journey to plant seeds of encouragement. You never know who is watching you.
My healing journey is dedicated to every woman who had the capacity to move through life but never really moved forward from trauma. I’ve observed so many women get past the emotions of a traumatic experience but never heal the scars of the experience. As a result, they never were able to experience everything life had to offer due to being guarded. They never could let anyone in because the of possibility of being hurt again was too great to risk the little peace they were able to garner. I get it and I get the protection factor but that is no way to live. I don’t want to go through life like that.
I made the decision that wasn’t going to be me, and I was going to pour every ounce of energy into my healing process. This decision led to me finding a therapist. After twenty years of trying therapy and really never liking the therapist–I finally found one that I vibe with and it has been a God send. In the midst of therapy, I have also been journaling. I have been honoring my feelings. I’ve been staying away from behaviors that will prohibit my healing. I’ve given myself grace to cry when I need to.
The biggest breakthrough I’ve had is discovering my soul’s work. What I mean by soul’s work is that I discovered what I needed to work on in order to thrive in life. My soul’s work is to separate who I am from the actions of other people. Before my breakthrough, I harbored years of grief and resentment due to abandonment and rejection issues. After experiencing rejection countless times in my life, I was programmed to think that there is something about me as a person that makes people want to express the worst parts of themselves. Through this process, I have learned that other people’s actions toward me have NOTHING to do with me. You cannot control people or how they move. But you can control how you receive it. Being programmed that there is something in that makes people want to reject and abandon me is a direct reflection of my self worth. I acknowledged my self worth, but I never operated in it. It is one thing to tell yourself you are worthy, it is another to KNOW you are worthy. When you KNOW you are worthy, your actions show it. True worthiness is more than lip service; it is drives your instincts. I am working on making my worthiness instinctive.
Some years ago I wrote a blog about why I was single. The conclusion then was that it was not my time to be in a relationship. That is true–but my breakthrough gives me context. Of course it is not my time to be in a relationship because a relationship would have destroyed me with this programming. I believe that God will not give you anything that will destroy you. People are going to be people. Your sense of self has to be able to withstand anything that may come with a person you choose to engage. Being able to separate who you are from other people’s actions allows you to love each person that comes into your life without imputing someone else’s mistakes on to the next person. It allows you to move with wisdom and not walls.
I don’t and will never subscribe to the “if you are not married or in a relationship by X age then something is wrong with you”. That statement suggests that how God made an individual isn’t enough and they don’t live up to the arbitrary standards set up by people that don’t matter. However, there may be some programming that you need to clean up so your soul can still be intact within a relationship. It is up to you to be available to yourself to figure it out FOR YOURSELF. If you are trying to heal and clean up your emotional self FOR THE MAIN REASON OF getting into a relationship/married instead of just wanting to show up as your best self, you may idolize being in a relationship/married. If you idolize being in a relationship/married, you will never be in a relationship. What you chase will evade you.
Although I have discovered my soul’s work, my goal is not to find myself in a relationship. My goal is still to be happy regardless of my relationship status. My healing process will help me move through the world light, free and happy with my cup overflowing with love for myself as well as anyone who I allow in my space. I have said before and I will say again: Singleness is not a problem to be solved. It is a state of being. That state of being can be beautiful if you let it be.